


The Thirteenth Sign: Ophiuchus

by Meteors



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Homestuck - Freeform, Trolls, captain gordon defender of earth, meteors, patriots, pawtism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-05-07
Updated: 2011-05-09
Packaged: 2017-10-19 03:26:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/196354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meteors/pseuds/Meteors
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The tale of the unknown 13th troll in its entirety. A simply lust for power grows into a fiasco involving a burlap sack, bipedal walking tanks, and a multitude of utter bullshit that would forever bind twelve trolls together forever.</p><p>Pre-SGRUB</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ii 2hould learn two lock my wiindow2 more often

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of the terrible introduction chapter. We hear about this UU guy and apparently THREE MYSTERIOUS DUDES WITH ATTITUDE don't care for him.
> 
> Then it just gets worse.

**I.**

 **  
**

It was a night like most for Sollux Captor. With his trusty head set and wrist brace on his person, many a grubfisted newtard would be slain in Alternia's breakout battle simulator: Facilitated Combat Simulation In Which Two Opposing Factions Based On Color Fight For Resources And Honor From The Sanctity Of Their Military Fortresses 2. The yellow blood was not alone, however. His irate partner, Karkat Vantas would be there with his Thresh Prince soundboard on standby. Once they got a nice spree going, the famous lines of Troll Will Smith would blare from the losing team's speakers until at least one of them quit in a frustrated fit of yelling and screaming. Business as usual.

"KK listen I think I have a plan." Sollux said sternly into his microphone. He sunk his prominent fangs into his bottom lip and rocked uneasily in his ergonomic gaming chair as he clutched an energizing beverage comprised of mashed grub and carbonated water. "On my mark we're gonna head after their intel." Karkat grumbled something on the other line. He was squabbling with his lusus which was roaring in the background. Chances would have it that he hadn't the foresight to feed his towering crabdad today. Ungrateful bastard.

There was a fumbling with the microphone on the other side and Karkat muttered his usual stream of obscenities before taking a deep breath. "I couldn't hear you over that fucking orgy of your slimy tongue beating up against the back of your teeth like a moron with a dry thinkpan flopping his head up against a brick wall, what the fuck did you say?" He was trying to play his conflict with his lusus off. Karkat Vantas was too cool for lusii. Yes sir.

Sollux let out a raspy chuckle and smirked to himself. "Yeah it was totally my lisp wasn't it KK? Not you and your lusus kissing and hugging about something stupid like roe cubes or you leaving your stupid DVDs everywhere."

"First of all!" Karkat boomed. Had Sollux not already have lost heading in his ear due to Karkat constantly getting nooksore over everything and breaking out into mad rants, this would have made him throw the headset down in sheer shock. "I was feeding that useless crab! Second of all what in the corners of your square fucking skull makes you think that I would ever do that? Third of all fuck you they aren't stupid." He let out a few incoherent grumbles and finally got back on track. "Alright then genius, what's your stupid plan?"

"Easy KK. When I give the word you're going to cut in on the left, I'll cut in on the right, then as those grubsuckers are readjusting their scopes and putting their slimy fingers on their casual-not-so-fucking-ergonomically-designed-keyboards, we'll meet in the middle and take their intel and run it back to base. I call it the........." And for a single moment, the universe reflected in his sunglasses and all things ceased to move. "......the crab claw." A stream of obscenities followed once again. Ha. Ha. Crab jokes. Just so many jokes about crabs. It's a laugh and a half around these parts. A bit of yellow blood oozed from Sollux's ear, but he was used to it. "On the count of two KK. Ready? One......" Every muscle in Karkat's body tensed up and he swallowed hard. He reloaded his weapon and took a deep breath. There was a bit of interference coming from Sollux's microphone and then the all to familiar sound of the mic dropping to the floor.

"Oh great! Let me guess some _genius_ forgot to get up and take a leak in between his all day nerd pissing contest. See look. Ha ha ha. I can make stupid goddamn puns too!." Karkat then waited. Then he waited some more. He waited a total of four minutes before he started to grow a little furious-more so than usual anyway. "Hey dumbass. Hey! What the fuck are you doing? Did you fall in?!"

By this point in time, Sollux was already gone.

 

 

 **II.**

 

As Sollux had just finished explaining his master plan to Karkat, two figures cloaked in stylish black robes found their way into his large open window. As Karkat ranted and raved, their clumsy entry which knocked over several bookshelves of ath manuals and coding books went unnoticed. It wasn't until Sollux began his countdown that he noticed one of them forcefully removing his headset and the other grabbing him by the neck.

"We need to find a way to neutralize his psychic powers!" The lankier of the two strangers said attempting to wrestle with Sollux. His eyes began to flash and just as he was ready to fire off his trademark **[OPTIC BLAST]** , one of his large tomes met his face roughly twelve times. One of his fangs flew into the wall and blood began to run from his nose like a might flood. The stouter of the two assailants had done it.

The lanky figure slowly let go of the subdued Sollux and regarded the blood on their sleeve with disdain. "I suppose this was the only course of action. Twelve times was a bit much. Now, how do you suppose we get him out of here?" The tall figure turned to the shorter one and stared at it. "If only someone was strong enough to carry our friend. Someone who often hauls larger things with one hand...often while performing another task such as swimming."

After a period of silence, the thin one's accomplice shrugged and tilted it's head. "I don't know what you want me to do about it! I feel emotionally shipwrecked after bashing his face in with a book that weighs more than you plus half of me combined. Just remember to lift with your legs!" This warranted a groan from the taller one who hefted the hacker onto a shoulder and staggered towards the door.

"Oh and be careful cause there are a lot of stairs! I'll meet you at the bottom cause I wanna catch him if he falls down all these stairs."

 

Sometime later, in an undisclosed location, Sollux slowly came to. He tried to rub his throbbing head, but found his arms bound. His eyes soon adjusted to the light and he could barely make out the three figures before him. They were all wearing the robes, but the hoods were down. He could make out some vague details such as the rough outline of their horns, but not much else.

"Sollux, glad to see you'e awake." The tallest figure said. "I apologize, but this was the only manner in which things could be done. Now we have some questions for you."

"Hmpfhph!" Sollux gagged and sputtered and all eyes soon focused on him. He gagged and it was apparent that a sock had been forced nearly halfway down his windpipe. Two of the figures converged on the previously unknown third party. It hastily removed the article and coughed nervously.

"Way to just make it totally weird, Vriska!" The stout one said stomping its foot. "Why did you go and shove one of your nasty pirate socks down his throat?! You're gross!" "Shut up princess! Just because I happen to FLARP as a mighty scourge of the seven seas doesn't me--" Vriska was abruptly cut off as Sollux started to sigh heavily.

"If this is some stupid FLARP stuff, I'll let you guys untie me and take me home. If this is something else, know that my one true love is coding and none of you have brackets." He smirked at his quick badass two-liner but received a slap for his lack of cooperation.

Feferi, who was revealed as the stouter member of the group, stepped forward and pulled her hood down. "Sollux, this isn't stupid pretend Vriska games..." She giggled a bit as Vriska went on to defend her obsession with a fury the likes of which the written word could not deliver justice to. "...we've called you here because we need your help!"

Sollux moved his head to the side and raised a bloodied eyebrow. "Help? Listen guys, if it's about printers, or removing the viruses off your computers because of a certain bit of _thatithfacthon_ granted from cuttlefish "all natural" shots, you didn't have to fucking kidnap me and beat me in the face!" He let out a disgusted noise and shook his head. " _Theriouthly._ " This display of lisp proved to be too much for the high blood who tagged out for the lanky figure, Kanaya, who shook her head.

"Listen, I will get directly the point which is the objective of this meeting of which we have arranged." This was greeted with laughs from everyone in the room. Kanaya getting to the point was like having Tavros run up a set of stairs. IMPOSSIBLE. AND HUMOROUS.

This went on for four minutes.

"Now, if we're done with such a childish display, I will proceed." Kanaya said pulling up a seat. "You see Sollux, we're meeting in this secret room because the three of us have viewed it feet to duck out of the view of someone who we simply cannot stand...allow me to rephrase, we cannot stand this person, and at the same time we are in danger. Note that by 'we' I mean all of us, not just the three of us speaking to you."

Sollux was attempting to chew through the ropes at this point.

Vriska stepped forth and shook her head. "Sollux there is some kind of giiiiiiiiant asshole out there who is dangerous, powerful, and worse yet, has more levels than even me. _ME._ And if we don't stop him, he's going to usurp control of our society and screw us forever! You've got a gross, disgustingly huge brain, help us out!"

"So let me get this straight, you're mad because some little deprived kid is better than you at playing pretend." Sollux said. "Ok and you want me to like go and help you beat him up? And so to accomplish this you beat me up, kidnapped me, and threw me in Vriska's basement."

"It's a secret location!" Vriska yelled.

"It's your fucking basement I can hear your lusus eating someone from here! Jegus H. Listen, I'm _thuper thorry_ but this just isn't worth my time. I like you guys, and by you guys, everyone except Vriska, but I have more important things to do. Now untie me already. My **[Optic Blasts]** only come in two flavors and both of them are kill, not cut through rope." He took this moment to charge up his eyes lasers as if he meant business and Feferi hastily hit him with a black book. He stopped at once and muttered the **[Ultimate Troll Swear]** which brought the room to dead silence.

Everyone stood looking at Sollux for an entire hour as the horrible phrase echoed in the dark recesses of their minds. Everyone blushed in a half completed rainbow of disgust and even the monstrous lusus in back stopped munching on its latest meal to take a moment of silence.

"Where do you even learn something like that?" Kanaya said with a wavering voice.

"The internet now come on let's uh...change the subject. Back about this mysterious asshole."

"Uh yeah, sure ok." Feferi said rubbing the back of her neck wearily. "Anyway, take a look at this book. We are "borrowing it" from him."

The yellow blood loosened his arms with a little help from Vriska and held the tome in his hands. "Borrowed it huh? So you guys broke in? That's kind of extreme since he's so dangerous." He thumbed through the pages. "It's code...give me a second to make sense of it."

"Oh no we're literally borrowing it from him." Kanaya said. "He's very generous. Though, everything we've said is absolutely true."

Sollux simply nodded and thumbed through the text and then let out a very embarrassing noise that was in direct correlation with a just as embarrassing bodily function.

"He shit his pants." Feferi said as nothing was amiss.

"T-this code.....this code is....it's just like what Aradia found but..."

Vriska began to shake the yellow blood. Her arm whirred and clicked and a mad look went across her only remaining eye. "BUT WHAT STUPID?!"

"This code it's...it's nearly complete...but he's done something with it. He's altered it himself. N-not even I can do this...and I'm the best there is! I'm hardly half way done with mine and I've spent just about every hour of my life barring the times I go to the bathroom, frag noobs, and fix your guys' stupid machines..."

Kanaya stepped forward. "This book isn't his _complete_ version either. He said that "some nice ladies like us should take a look at something that's going to change the Empire for the best" --it's basically his rough draft and I cannot help but think he was truly aware of our plans to leak this from the start. Though, I suppose it's too late for us."

"What do you mean?" Sollux said. With this alterations, I can't tell what he's planning to do with the existing code...I mean what could he want with it?"

"Read the last page." Feferi said grimly. "We've added two and two together though."

Without hesitation, Sollux flipped to the back where a piece of scratch paper fell onto his lap.

 _To My Respected Leader,_

 _As per our agreement, I will gladly accept your offer. Know that as a Neon Sparkling Pink Blood, I outrank even your progeny as heir to the throne, however, as we discussed,  I will gladly take the role as second in command of the entire Empire as your humble inferior. I simply do this due to my immense patriotism for our glorious Empire and I am inspired by your leadership. Also, I realize how detrimental it would be should Feferi Peixes take the throne. All of your work, all of the work that has caused our Empire to prosper, would be for naught. I would not want to risk the integrity of our entire specie's lives, so I humbly offer this code. Know that once activated, it will act as a weapon without peer. I'm a lover not a fighter, but I love my Empire so much that I would fight for it._

 _Thank you for such an opportunity, I will await the transport we have arranged in the coming days. I will have your code finished, and I will be ready to depart from Alternia._

 

 _Your humble supporter,_

 _UU  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: In my headcanon, Sollux shits his pants when he gets excited which is why he's so depressed. He's only got two pairs of pants left. He has to use his excitement wisely.


	2. :33 < *ac recalls why she is so pawtistic*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> UU is first revealed and he begins his attempt to thin the ranks. He goes after the classy Lady Nepeta and seeks to corrupt her soul and transform her into a useless leech on society and ultimately compromise her usefulness to the team!
> 
> That or...well he's just being friendly and she's just stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's like he's thinning their ranks.
> 
> Only he makes them retarded instead of dead.

**I.**

 

Perhaps the first blow the mysterious UU would deal to the trolls would come in some form of mind control. While it could be argued that the methods employed by Vriska, or even Tavros constituted as mind control, the neon sparkle blood used a rather unorthodox tactic to control the minds of his enemies. Charisma is a certain illusive trait that can move legions to perform even the silliest of whims, and it was safe to say that UU was aggressively pregnant with charisma.

It would be this day that one of the classier members of the group would have a run-in with UU and forever be changed. It was none other than Nepeta Leijon, or as she demanded to be called, Lady Nepeta. She possessed a poise that surpassed even Kanaya on the best of days. Her hobbies were a far cry from the dirty, foolish, and generally childish acts she would be known for from this day on. She preferred drinking tea on the upper floor of her modest hive with her lusus, and engaging in _The Gossip_ with one of her friends, or with her Feline Evening Party Compatriots instead of rolling around in leaves. She chose fanning herself with an extravagant fan and moaning about _The Times_ as opposed to pretending to be some kind of feline. Long story short, she ~~purrided~~ prided herself in acting like a middle aged woman more than a middle aged woman would.

On this particular evening, she was out on the lowest level of her Hive sipping tea and taking in _The Swelter_ with an indignant sigh that went off exactly every thirty-three seconds.

"I dare say my fair lusus, I do declare that this eve is most _swelteriiiiiiiiiiiing._ " She took a sip of tea and sighed. " _Hmn, yes."_ Nepeta gazed off into the forest near her home and then turned back to her tablet. It was blipping like mad with warnings she would never read. "Pounce, it is just so _dreaaaaaaaaaaadful_ that I am perhaps the only one capable of playing matchmaker, _hmn, yes."_ She began to fan herself. Little did she know that this "matchmaking" hobby she would scoff at now would become the only meaning of her existence in a few short moments.

Down the path someone began approaching. In the dim light, Nepeta squinted to try and readily drew her fan. If it wasn't blatantly obvious to everyone in a ten mile radius that she was classier than all get out, she would hang herself using the very stool she was sitting on.

Within a few moments, a mysterious finned troll came across Nepeta and stopped at her tea set up. His hair had a single strip of pink and his eyes were like mysterious wells of mystery which seemed to extend into a pink infinity. The very air around him was purified by his very being and a small aura of sparkles twinkled around him like stars in the night sky. He wore a cape which flowed without any source of wind and wore a shirt with a popped collar that revealed his glistening chest. To top things off, he wore regal white gloves with matching boots and displayed a set of pink epaulettes just to tie the whole thing together.

"My, my, tis' quite the evening for one to be sitting alone." The new face said. "Would you mind if I remedied that injustice? A pretty face such as you doesn't need to face the elements alone. You are....such the classy lady." Upon uttering the last part of his firm and seemingly honest introduction, he opened his eyes and sparkled subtly. Nepeta fanned herself and giggled and set out a chair for him.

Nepeta poured the stranger some tea and gave him the once over. "So tell me sir, have you a name, _hmn yeeeeeees."_ Pounce began to grow agitated for some reason, but Nepeta threw some nip down the path and watcher her guardian go after it much like the pawtistic wretch she was soon to embrace being.

"I'm no around here, but I prefer it if people just stick to calling me UU, it's the handle I use most often, Ms. Leijon. Or should I say, Lady Nepeta Leijon." He raised his eyes once again and a flurry of sparkles danced into the air. He smelled more like a girl than the regal cat queen before him. "I've just heard so much about you from your friends...I just wanted the chance to be in your presence but once. I hear you're well versed in _The Gossip_ so I take it you've heard about me, yes?"

"Oh mercy, I don't believe any of it, _hmn yes._ " Nepeta began to fan herself even faster. "Those others are just cannot appreciate your majesty as I do. They are often too preoccupied with their fantasy worlds to see _The Reality, hmn yes."_

UU put the tea cup up to his lips and smirked. He grabbed Nepeta's tablet which was going off like mad from the table and committed the other eleven handles to memory instantly. As a Neon Rainbow Sparkle Blood, this was one of his many powers. "Ms. Leijon, I hear you know all about me, _hmn yes._ And I would really like it if you didn't. From what your friends say on this little tablet, you've been asking around and well, I'd like to get you involved with something a little more interesting than looking after little old me." UU stood up and opened his bag. From it he pulled out a blue hood which would soon become synonymous with Leijon and a pair of fake, blue paws. He put them on and began to purr and roll about in the leaves.

"Heavens!" Nepeta said biting into her lacy glove. "This is most unlike you! What kind of madness is this?!" She was mesmerized by his display despite utterly detesting such an unladylike display.

"Just simple watch at my fun." UU said with an oddly vacant voice. "Meow. Meow. I am a little whiskerbeast. I have not a care in the world."

Nepeta stared back. "This is display is simply in _furry_ ating...I mean her..." She stuttered and her eyes were drawn back to the sparkling cat parade before her. "How could one as refined as you find it _paws_ ible for me to stoop to such an act? Nya, I don't think so---I mean...er....No, I don't think so..."

UU laughed and pulled out a bit of yarn and waved it from side to side. His sparkles danced like mad and he smirked slowly. His eyes were large circles and he was laughing. "Nepeta, why not relax a bit. Forget about little games and gossip. Why not.......roll around in the leaves. You'll make loads of _fur_ iends. Leave ol' UU alone. He's a very busy fella. Certainly you understand."

Lady Leijon slowly stood up from her seat and walked over to the pile of leaves and UU handed her the articles of roleplaying attire he had on him.

 

 

 **II.**

 

It was unnatural for Nepeta to be so late with _The Gossip_ especially when the princess asked it of her for something important. Being a true ~~slave to a tired caste system~~ aristocrat of proper nature, Equius heeded every word a high blood gave him, and this one wasn't so bad. All the sweaty brute was tasked with doing this time was checking up on Nepeta. It was unlike her to not respond, especially at teatime.

The mighty blue blood strolled down the path to Nepeta's house and paused. His thinking sweats began to drip from his body and he placed a STRONG DIGIT on his STRONG CHIN and contemplated how he would introduce himself today. His moirail was a stickler for proper behavior and he was quite certain she would have his head if he extended his pinky finger incorrectly again and shattered another hole in her wall by doing so.

 _I should simply avoid trying to enter a tea ceremony, neigh, I should, but simply hold back with all of my STRONG will. Curses, this is quite the gosh-darn silly matter.....how horrendous of me, to swear so lewdly in my own mind. The past few days have taxed me._

Equius arrived at Nepeta's door and went to put his hand on the wood, but quickly recoiled. He recalled the past eleven times he had tried to knock lightly and brought down the entire frame. His regret sweats, or regrweats, kicked in and a horrible stench filled the surrounding four hundred meter area. He simply resolved to gently whip his hair against the door. As each strand made contact with the door, a loud bang emanated and tiny scratches appeared on the door.

No answer.

"Nepeta? It is I, Equius, I STRONGLY implore you heed my call and open this door at once!" He began to sweat with anticipation and a puddle formed at his feet. "I come bearing news of a request for _The Gossip_. Yes. I am aware of your lewd fixation with such an ill contrived entity." There was only silence. Equius sighed and his resulting STRONG EXHALE knocked down the door by accident and he STRONG FACEPALMED in disgust. He would fix this at once.

As the dim light shone through Nepeta's hive, Equius STRONG WHIMPERED as he took sight of the absolute mess inside. It was as if some sort of beast resided here, not a lady of refinement. He rushed inside and slipped a great distance on his own trail of perspiration and stopped instantly upon hearing a hiss.

"Nyaaaa, ac hears a stranger entpurr her den. Nyron~ ac asks her guest to reveal their identity lest she glomp them in a furiendly way!!" The joyous voice was heard from atop the stairs which had been littered with bits of cloth. The stuffed animals which had served as Nepeta's tea guests were now arranged like cubs laying about in a litter.

"Cease this foolish display at once! I do not find this humorous and as your superior this display is very--" He stopped himself short and took a deep breath. He turned on a light by gently brushing his arm hair against the switch and was horrified as he received cat glomps from Nepeta who was dressed like some kind of foul beast.

Nepeta scratched playfully at Equius and purred. "It's ac's best furiend! Me-OW it looks like he took a tumble. She will lick his wounds and asks what he needs! She wants to tell Equius all about the new game her furiend UU taught her!"

Equius' eyes bloated behind his cracked sunglasses. Sweat shot in geysers from his person and he bit through his lip, forgetting his own strength. "The fiend? The fiend did this to you! This is...." His heart began to beat so STRONGLY in his chest that his rapidly expanding and contracting sternum served to punch Nepeta in the face.

"This is some sort of silly doo-doo gosh darn diddly tickle NIGHT MARE!" His voice echoed for miles and the windows broke in the surrounding hives. He STRONG MOURNED for a long while before contacting his superior to give her and her compatriots the bad news. As he would break the recent turn of events to the core members of this **[UU Eradication Team]** which had expanded to include (barring Nepeta) Feferi, Kanaya, Vriska, Sollux, Himself, and Eridan between STRONG SNIFFLES, they resolved to gather the other five members before UU could influence them as well.

Unknown to them, UU's transport would arrive in seven days.

Then it would truly begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, why in the hell else would she own expensive tea sets? Clearly she wasn't a deprived crime against god her entire life!


	3. Chapter 3: fuckin sparklin assholes alwways cause me problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eridan Ampora's and UU finally meet and the [UU Eradication Team] gains a new member.
> 
> No Eridan doesn't count.

**I.**

Eridan wasn't exactly what one would see as a communicator. He exactly wasn't a lot of things, but that was beside the point.Today would be the day he would show all of those ignorant O2 fetishists that he, Eridan "Wwizardboner*" Ampora could stop a foe plaguing the many fish in the sea that could not defend themselves. There would be for a price however, as nothing good is ever free. Ampora had already spent great detail coming up with a list of rewards that would have to be met upon the destruction of that sparklin asshole.

 

 _my demands_

 _1) all landdwwellin asshole kill themselves_

 _2) all hot landdwwellin foxes that see the light dont die and instead make out wwith me_

 _3) wwe havve some fun cause this beat is sick if you knoww wwhat i mean_

 _4) you tell me wwhat i mean because my romantic swwagger wwas so good i dont evven knoww wwhat i meant_

 _5) fef realizes she wwas a fuckin dumb bass and is like "oh eridan i wwanna make out wwith you"_

 _6) all the other ones of you get jealous at our lovve and fight for my lovve_

 _7) you all wwrestle ovver it for a wwhole week_

 _  
_

Eridan was quite certain that his plan was without peer and that he only needed to allot the various damsels a week to repeat his "seven step lovve quest" before they did it naturally. He was very persuasive and once those busy bees got in his hive, they would never want to leave...or in the very least he was assured this would happen for a week and he could at least die with exaggerated claims of his romantic conquests. It was essentially foolproof.

In order to accomplish his goal, the second highest man on the hemospectrum would attempt to fulfill his goal by means of doomsday device, only this time, things were different. Eridan wasn't poor by any means, but the good stuff, the _reel fuckin good stuff_ was a bit out of even his budget. Luckily, the princess was finally "not lookin through retard goggles" and had offered a portion of her extensive fortune to the boy so that he could get the job done.

"Now let me see here..." Eridan mumbled to himself. "All these fuckin newer models all look the same. I wanna custom order one with like this huge fuckin mounted rail gun...and and get some kinda glubbin legs on it so the fuckin thin just walks around shootin from everywhere all the time!" With the funds available to him, Eridan was fulfilling every desire he had ever had in a killing machine no matter how stupid. Near the end of his spending spree, he had a bipedal walking tank armed with a rail gun, a pair of chain saws that shot out of the legs only the teeth were replaced with genetically modified super bees, a laser, a laser that split into multiple lasers, a jet pack which propelled the machine into the air by means of igniting clouds of noxious pesticides that choked the air, and extra cup holders.

With a neurotic, voice cracking giggle, Lord Ampora stomped around his Hive and caressed his wizard figurines with a sick joy. He clicked his heels together and began to throw wands into the air with a careless abandon. The violent neighing of his lusus in the other chamber forced him to cool his jets and he quietly giggled to himself. Thanks to the remaining money, he would be able to afford One-Day-Shipping (that's something only Troll Amazon can provide), but even if it had come in mere seconds, it would already have been too late.

Around midday when Eridan usually awakened, a delivery ship had placed a towering construct on his island. With a childlike glee, the troll rushed to the box and held it close. His baby was home now. Everything was ok. Though it pained him to have to do away with the large metallic casing his device was housed in (and the drawing of a fine hot bitch painted on its side), he deactivated the weapon's shipping cube as a single tear streamed down his eye. The joy then turned into an unbridled rage.

"What in the fuckin cod damn world is this stupid fuckin nook blastin bulge reamin fuckin eye gougin horn twistin musclebeast pailin fuckin shit is this?!" Eridan clenched his bony fist so hard that he began to bleed a little bit (though later in the day he would inform Feferi it was when he was bustin heads in her name) and his joyous single tear became a deluge of sorrowful weeping. His lusus floated his way outside and let out a series of wild neighs at the pile of miscellaneous parts, smaller boxes, tools which came with a sign.

 _Some Assembly Required_

"Skyhorse! You're a fuckin smart guy right?" Eridan said patting his lusus on the back of the neck. The beast nodded and whinnied with pride. "Alright that's pretty cool so here is the plan, you put all this shit together, I'll go back to sleep, then when you're done, fuck I dunno come get me." The lusus stared blankly at his charge and spit nasty horse foam all over him. It was worth a shot.

Ampora's cape began to flutter violently as the winds picked up and a chill went through his Nancy boy spine. He shrugged it off and went back to stomping around his tract of isolated land proceeded to flip his shit so such a degree, that Nepeta, whose senses were increased by her newly acquired pawtism, could hear.

"Oh hello there neighbor." A low and refined voice said coming up from the coast. A certain sparkling sea dweller emerged from the deep and casually flipped his hair with a laugh. "I couldn't help but notice that something was vexing you."

With his usual paranoid senses flaring, Eridan whipped out his legendary rifle and pointed it at the newcomer. "You take about five fuckin steps back and get back in that water cause I ain't puttin up with some stupid glittery assho--" He paused. "Hey wait a minute are that one glittery asshole who retardificated Nep cause I was gonna hit that probably once she stopped bein a snooty air sucker."

The sea dweller stepped towards Eridan and rubbed his head. Suddenly the sparkles were gone. " _Moi_? Oh no, I would _never_ stand in the way of a true relationship. Besides, what sort of _barbarian_ would ever wish to sully his hands with some air breather? I _assure_ you my good lord, that my actions are only geared towards helping _you._ In fact, that is why I am even _here._ I heard your _disdain_ and as a petty sea dweller, I felt it my duty to help _your lordship_ with his task. Now, what seems to be bothering you, liege?" The slimy fucker then curtsied* and Eridan lowered his weapon.

"Good to see some of these fuckheads know how shit is supposed to be workin." Eridan said dusting his hands as if he had done the kid a great service by complimenting him. "See this box of shit came all broken up so I think it's just a buncha finhurt mudhumps cryin and thinkin this doomsday device is for their unworthy asses." He adjusted his glasses and pulled his cape around his form and then quickly opened his arms like a count proclaiming the demise of his serfs. "It just might be, but for right now I'm huntin the most dangerous prey on the whole fuckin planet."

"And what might that be sir? Are you perhaps attempting to try and take down the Carbuncle of the Rift that Princess Feferi has? Or should I say, the _former_ Princess." He cocked a brow and adjusted his gloves.

Eridan's head snapped around and his cape went as limp as his spirits. "Former? What the fuck do you mean? Did she finally give it up to me so she can run off and poke her stupid fuckin fish all day?" A giddy sparkle fiddled his eyes and his limp wrists began to shake violently.

"Oh, no, no, no." The  troll said placing a hand on Eridan's shoulder. "My dear boy, didn't you hear the news? The _late_ Princess Peixes was finally done in you see. By assassins. It seems as though that old windbag on the throne finally succeeded. A true shame, isn't it?" He forced a tear from his eye and let it fall to the sand below. "I loved our darling princess as much as a commoner can. Her words were progressive, her poise immaculate, and above all else, she truly wanted what was best for all of us."

"Are you fuckin kidding me?" Eridan said. "But she was four whole steps away from probably realizin that she should hook up with me maybe." He dropped to his knees and stared up into the sky. "I was just talkin to her two days ago." His lip began to quiver and he started to sob. "She shouldn't a been trying to mess with that freaky sparklin asshole!"

The bearer of bad news turned his head away from Eridan and smiled to himself. Just as he had predicted, Eridan Ampora and caligulasAquarium were one in the same. Nepeta Leijon had proven herself to be rather useful after all.

UU stepped towards Eridan and helped pick him up. "Let's fix your machine, Mr. Ampora. Together we can exact revenge on the fiends responsible for harming our fair princess." He placed an assuring hand on his fellow high blood and the two set off to construct their machine.

The machine was complete in less than half a day. The project was simply an "Insert peg A into slot B" ordeal on a larger scale, however with the highly advanced tools offered, the size issue was nonexistent. UU had slipped out once everything was complete and Eridan disregarded the stranger entirely. What mattered to him was that he had his walking murdermachine and while avenging Feferi was somewhere in his top three things to do in a giant robot list (behind destroying all landies and picking up fine lookin bitches), he was still contemplating what to do first.

Eridan climbed into the cockpit and took a deep breath. It was glorious. That new genocide contraption smell was as good the last time as it was the first, only this time the damn thing wouldn't explode on him due to it being a "gently used-like new" hunk of shit. Today was surely a triumph for Ampora that would live in infamy.

The helpful "neighbor" who had gladly pieced the machine together had left a series of sticky notes with numbers on them for Eridan to follow so he could start the machine up for "optimal results" since killing efficiency was a big deal in the aristocratic world. He easily followed them from the big red button marked 1 to the slidey knobs marked 2, to the ignition console marked 3, but he stopped upon reaching note 4 which was on what appeared to be his personal computer. While some of the things on this bipedal destroyer were a bit too advanced even for his extensive knowledge on all things scientific, he knew for damn sure that the thing plugged into the side of the cockpit was the very computer from his room. Regardless, he switched it on and frowned.

"Who the fuck is this universalUltimatum sittin on my list?" He scowled and removed the sticky note on the screen to take a better look at the offline messages the stranger who had mysteriously found his way onto his Trollian Contacts list said.

 

 _UU: Mr. Ampora, you seemed to be a little shaken up when we talked._

 _UU: Don't worry. I have taken care of everything._

 _UU: Assuming you followed my directions, the doomsday machine you purchased should be purring much like your invalid friend._

 _UU: In fact, I know it should. You bought the machine from me after all. I figured you, as the Princess' lapdog, would seek your usual means for attack._

 _UU: Surprised? Yes, you should be. I know everything about you now. That's generally how things work out when you've got the Imperial Databanks willing to divulge a history on someone._

 _UU: Your little princess is alive, don't worry. However, you might not be so lucky._

 _UU: As your superior with glistening pink blood, I must inform you that your transgressions against me have put you in my ill favor._

 _UU: My powers have afforded great insight into what you think, how you function, and what you will do next._

 _UU: Mr. Ampora, if you live, kindly tell your friends there is nothing they can do. In a few short days, I will be gone._

 _UU: And providing any of you remain, you will be gone a few short days after that._

 _UU: Good day Mr. Ampora. I hope you enjoy fireworks._

 _UU: No I revoke that. I mean to say, Mr. Ampora, I hope you always wanted to go out with a bang._

 _UU: Wait, this appears to be better. Mr. Ampora--curses, you're probably seconds away from detonation as we speak._

 

 

And as Eridan's eyes scanned the last line of text, they widened, and he let out a yell. The noise would hardly escape his lips before the impending explosion would drown it out.

 

 **II.**

 

Kanaya walked in and took a seat next to Feferi in the secret meeting area which was totally NOT Vriska's basement. Feferi had been ogling over all of the sweet apps on her troll iPad and had seemingly forgotten to ever leave. The others figured it was probably the safest bet since this UU character seemed relentless in removing her opinions from view.

"How are we today, princess?" Kanaya said. "I heard you, Sollux, and Equius went for a walk in the surrounding area today. I should have warned you about his perspiration. I hope you are not too cross with me."

The princess lifted her head and shrugged. "Well, it's not like it would have kelped me anyway! I sincerely do want to get up close and personal with my subjects you know!" She looked at Kanaya like she was stupid and went back to playing Moderately Irate Avian Creatures Whose Primary Means Of Assault Against Their Swine Enemies Is Being Fired From A Slingshot on her touch screen device and sipping juice from her royal tippy cup*.

Kanaya sighed. Feferi would do the same thing whenever she visited her on land. "Listen Feferi, I've got some bad news. There was an explosion on Eridan's island. From what Vriska says, only the remains of his scarf were found..."

Feferi was silent and she turned her pretentious hipster device off and crossed her arms. "So I guess this guy is kind of a big deal. I mean either he did it or Eridan blew himself up which isn't that rare. Do we have any proof?"

The green blood nodded and help up a note written in such pretentious calligraphy that even Feferi felt it was exceedingly prissy.

>  _One rendered a useless animal, the other probably in pieces. Based on this little list_ _I got from your newest pet (that's Nepeta I am certainly referring to if you can't figure it out)_ , _that leaves only about ten or so of you left._
> 
>  _Now, I will ask you once to leave me alone and let me ascend to the position destined for me. You have a higher chance of survival that way. Please don't do anything foolish. At my last check, there are only four days between me and my destiny, so keep to yourselves, alright?_

"I guess we have no choice but to surrender." Feferi said. "I mean yeah oh boy Eridan is dead, but I can't risk the rest of you since this is obviously some kind of stupid royal affair."

As Kanaya went to console her friend, the door to the secret room which was NOT Vriska's basement was kicked down and a figured carrying a writhing sack. The being smelled of burnt cloth and skin, but these odors were overpowered by a douchey cologne that choked the entire room. The cologne was called _Erotic Dolphin_ and only one man had ever worn it...

"So Fef, I flew for like a thousand miles, but luckily my trust steed was able to catch me before I fell." Eridan said while trying to use his hidden pocket fan to blow his tattered cape triumphantly. "So then I landed and was like 'cod damn gotta find this UU fucker for Fef" and I found his hive and busted in with my gun and my steed and was like "hit the fuckin deck scumbag" so I trapped him in this fuckin bag." Then, as soon as he took a breath after his ten thousand mile an hour speech, he used all of his might to throw the bag onto the table. The person inside let out a weak ow, and just as they tried to crawl out, he pulled the elastic tie on the bag and punched it once.

"So how about a kiss, from all of you. At once even. That sparkle fuck is in this bag right now." He then took his list out. "Remember this? Remember how you said I couldn't fuckin do it, well I fuckin did it!"

Kanaya turned to Feferi who in turn look back in sheer shock.

"Uh...then I guess Eridan is alive?" Feferi said. "And I guess UU tried to blow you up, then some how you caught him?" She began to drum her fingers on the table. "And this guy who basically turned Nepeta into the cutest invalid I've ever seen was able to be contained in a glubbing sack. By you."

Eridan's butt chin shrugged. Obvviously you stupid bitch.

Kanaya poked the bag and frowned. "Based on how the person inside is crying, seeing as their sobs are interrupted by a slew of "ums" and "uhs" I would say that you were propelled quite a ways, broke into the first hive you could get into without any resistance, then stuffed the resident into your bag at gunpoint, right?"

"Is that Tavros in your fucking bag, Eridan?" Feferi said slapping her hands on the table.

"No it's all a trap by UU." Eridan said.

A pair of piercing glares ripped through his flesh.

"My cod fine. The damn thing blew up, I ingeniously predicted this so all it did was catch on fire thanks to my safety mechanisms. Then UU shape shifted into Tav and I capitalized on it." Eridan said crossing his arms.

"You put some of it together and messed it up so it wouldn't even explode correctly, huh?" Feferi said. "Then you probably just rode over to Tavros' hive, beat him up, and brought him here, didn't you?"

"Y-yeah."

"I hate you so much." Feferi said gritting her fangs.

"D-d-do you ya really mean it Fef?!" Eridan said biting his finger.

"Platonically."

"Fuck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation Notes:
> 
> *In Alternian society, Wwizardboner is a term referring to a wizard who melts the skin of his foes off leaving only bone behind.  
> In human society, Wwizardboner is a term referring to the appendage of an aroused wizard.
> 
> **When someone curtsies in Alternian culture, it's like a gang sign if dudes do it.
> 
> ***Tippy cups are among one of the luxuries only the elite can afford. Rulers, Counts, and Aristocrats of all ages and makes are nothing without one.


End file.
